When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
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Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen