The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
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I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.