penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
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Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
love pickles so much i put myself in one
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it