Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
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I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this