My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
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Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
What’s this sorcery? 😂
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??