lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
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National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”