Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
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“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
Respect
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
Who.
Did.
This?
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.