[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
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“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.