ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
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someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”