“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
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I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know