How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
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me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name