[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
You Might Also Like
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
not to brag, but mine was free
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.