Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
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The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
very niche meme I made
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?