It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
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I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
Dune (2021)
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.