When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
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[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor