My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
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Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
an airline just for babies.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
No, YOUR illiterate.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY