My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
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If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*