ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
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I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
Wise advice
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
How does one answer this?
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.