My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
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🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
What a chick magnet..
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not