You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
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Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin