SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
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Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
im all 3
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.