fixed it
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Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
In space, no one can hear…
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
What in the hipster hell is going on here
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
#Caturday
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero