Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
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squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.