Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
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I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
Weighing up my bread heating options
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.