nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
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me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
PLOT TWIST:
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”