Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
You Might Also Like
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
i hope my email finds you on fire
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴