With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
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Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.