What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
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Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
💁🏻♂️
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
Jesus steals the winter solstice
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
put ‘er there pardner!