Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
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If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.