pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
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gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
🙂🐾
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
Finally! 😈