#Caturday
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Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night