“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
You Might Also Like
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
Many hands make light work
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple