[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
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netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt