“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
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Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
a public service announcement
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Don’t make me out nice you.
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.