Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
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*adds resume embellisher to resume*
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share