A man of commitment.
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*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
let’s discuss
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me