Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
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Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
This can never not be funny 😭😭
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader