[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
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Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.