Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
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(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him