It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
You Might Also Like
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
Overindulged this afternoon.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.