Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
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Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?