“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
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Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
Erm…
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.