Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
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THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
GIRL: daddy look it鈥檚 a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I鈥檓 only a suspect at this point
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Raisins are grape jerky.
Flight attendant: You鈥檙e sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn鈥檛 work like that
who called it hell and not heaven’t
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don鈥檛 think my toilets can taste the difference.
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 馃憤
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
1st date [dont let him know I鈥檓 a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
I mean I鈥檓 over it but I鈥檓 definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that鈥檚 a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon鈥terodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 馃檪
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you鈥檙e still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this