“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
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5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.