I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
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Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
Bill is short for Billiam
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers