My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
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Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
Fiction has to make sense.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.