Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
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me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
I hope this email punches you square in the face
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Close call…
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.