My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can鈥檛 馃槀
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Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
My husband鈥檚 birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he鈥檚 my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he鈥檚 my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he鈥檚 my soulmate.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
It鈥檚 impossible to buy a mirror that isn鈥檛 used
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better