I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
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I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers