People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
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Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter